This quote by Michael Ventura… it resonates so deeply with the chasm that often exists between parents and their teenage children.
We, as parents, often operate from a place of fear, a place of *our* unresolved wounds, and we hurl these little “dots” of information, these pronouncements, these “shoulds” and “shouldn’ts” at our teens, expecting them to magically coalesce into understanding and obedience.
But they don’t.
They just… float.
Meaningless.
Think about it. Your teenager comes home late.
You, fueled by anxiety and perhaps your own history of rebellion and its consequences, unleash a barrage of “dots”.
* “You’re irresponsible!” (Dot.)
* “You never think about us!” (Dot.)
* “You’re going to ruin your life!” (Dot. Dot. Dot. A whole constellation of fear!)
What’s *missing*?
Everything!
The context. The *connection*. The genuine attempt to understand *their* perspective.
Without context, that “You’re irresponsible!” dot just hangs there. Your teen might hear it as, “You’re a failure,” or “You’re not good enough,” reinforcing their own insecurities, pushing them further away.
They might react with defensiveness, anger, or withdrawal.
The dot creates distance, not understanding.
What if, instead, we created a *context*?
What if we paused, took a breath, and *connected*?
“Hey, I noticed you were later than usual tonight. Everything okay?” (Genuine inquiry, not accusation).
Then, *listen*. Truly listen.
Maybe they were helping a friend in need. Maybe they had a flat tire. Maybe they simply lost track of time, caught up in the moment.
Whatever the reason, *understanding* it allows you to respond with *wisdom*, not just reactive fear.
“I was worried when you weren’t home because [express your *own* feeling, not blame]. Next time, could you please send a quick text so I know you’re safe?” (A clear expectation, rooted in connection and mutual respect).
Now, the “dot” of expectation – the need for communication – is anchored in a context of care and understanding. It has meaning. It becomes a building block for a stronger relationship, not a weapon of disconnection.
The same applies to all the “dots” we throw: grades, friends, social media… Each one needs to be examined through the lens of *their* experience, *their* developmental stage, *their* unique inner world.
We must remember that our teens are not miniature versions of ourselves.
They are on their own journey of self-discovery, navigating a world vastly different from the one we grew up in.
Our role is not to control their trajectory, but to provide a safe and loving space for them to explore, to stumble, and to learn.
So, before you hurl another “dot,” ask yourself:
* What is the context here?
* Am I truly connecting with my child, or am I just reacting from my own fear?
* Am I trying to understand their perspective, or am I just trying to control their behavior?
Only then can we transform those floating, meaningless dots into constellations of connection, understanding, and ultimately, a deeper, more authentic relationship with our teenage children.
Remember, conscious parenting is not about perfection; it’s about presence.